finally

finished a thing that's been pending for.ever.

it took 30 minutes. that's it. 30 minutes, after some quantum algorithm of procrastination and avoidance since for months.
and now, it's done.

yay.

postings

I see difficult jobs posted on different lists - residential managers, care assistants, hard jobs to do, with low pay and high turnover.

these jobs make me sad. we don't look after the people who look after people in this country very well at all.

positive feedback

from a student, from a colleague.

it's not all doom, gloom and help me god I can't swim around here.
not all the time.

10 careers

...with high rates of depression...

not work

someone I know, not terribly much older than I am, is closing her business. she feels she has enough money to live on, and may possibly (I don't know, I'm guessing) pick up work here and there as she may need to.

I thought about not having work. not waking up, not going, not having that shape to my day. it seemed difficult to imagine.

for the time being, having that shape (even if it's the wrong color, cut, size and fabric) is something. can it, does it mitigate against all the other things that it isn't?

for the time being.

for now.

pleasant and positive

I'm blessed to know people who teach me something or lay some thing down at a moment when it's needed.




Whether we. you. I know how it's needed, or if it's needed. or if it isn't.

You know who you are.

Today's struggle: the balance between go along, get along; if you've nothing nice to say, say nothing; OR saying, REALLY? You're doing this, but you're not doing this?

No problem with civility and trying to be a good listener. But I am wondering where and when the time comes to just say no.
Nope, no. No, no. no. This isn't OK. This is the more of the more. the same of the same.

what is. is there an antidote to the more of the way it's always been done?

when is the moment when, after having listened and listened, and considered and paused, we just do some other thing?
or we disagree.
or we move on
or find some other something
when does that moment come? when . will we know?

also: love

in other news

Five Tips for Holiday Office Party Behavior

and more: http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?llr=itvbx5aab&v=001J8BvtJGIt7sRsBfVay90eSsky_PgsG4F05uUDgcG92tjgWNx_uoCDapDGBd3p86-oG5cyhwKykVcSDpUUux6xkL4lUf3R3jCKNXaZ3PDjP6KWkIMbytwrw%3D%3D

something within my skills set

http://transitionprovidence.org/task-forces/

the good doctor is good

in response to a thing at work that made me very very sad:

I'm not minimizing the impact of this [ ] but in all honesty, you learned nothing new about [a person] or [a place]. It is profoundly sad ... The key is to stop expecting that anything about [this thing] will change, despite the quality of your work or the magnitude of your accomplishment.

Focus on what you have to be thankful for - your family & friends, people who love and support you ( ), and the countless lives you have impacted through your work and just by virtue of who you are. You don't need acknowledgment from [ ] to feel thankful for that. Tomorrow, I am sure many people will be thankful for you being in their lives at their table, directly or indirectly.


[edited from a very slightly longer message; the thinking, the ideas are useful. poking sharp sticks at people isn't.]

although the good doctor is very much a cognitive kind of guy, there's a profound kindness in his instructiveness. also, a general kindness as well.

what someone said about work

http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/post/1650969454/via-brandotgreat

source here

language

how we say what we do

how we do

how we do what we say

translation

it's complicated

epic

"do some epic stuff"

or was it "do some epic shit"

or "do something epic" ?

whatever. should have written it sooner.

blessings, of sorts, from a fellow traveller, on a parallel path, sort of. in a way.

holding: steady, still, on, strong, fast.

and, also

sad

why

are my students receiving information around me?

they say they are angry.

I understand this.

minimum wage

and this

a small good thing

one of the people affected by an inadvertent bad thing that happened last week - something of a Rube Goldberg like series of misunderstandings -who could have stayed angry and distant just came in and greeted me warmly. with kindness. with the affection of our many years' friendship and co-workingness.

for that I am grateful.

listening

wondering.

what comes next?

agency, efficacy. acting. reacting.

don't know about sponding, but am cautious about responding.

about doing it all again.

again.

gesture

someone in authority brought breakfast pastries. to the workplace. it was a kind gesture. it was a gray and raining day.

I ate none and was incapable of expressing gratitude, even while recognizing that it was a kind thing to have done.

I had no words.

poem-a-day

something else

I simply do not understand how this has ever been helpful.
not at all.

wrong

a very smart, capable, talented, hard working, passionate, caring and gifted educator was summarily fired from her job today.

no. we say no. emphatically, loudly, without question.

We. Say. No.

messy

http://www.google.com/search?source=ig&hl=en&rlz=&q=%22education+is+messy%22&btnG=Google+Search

better

http://janetisserlis.tumblr.com/post/1374824879/this-is-a-pretty-goofy-photo-but-its-not

technology

also: tumblr purple / spirit day

worth

more

an offer

Amanda Preston to me
show details 2:38 AM (6 hours ago)
Dear Student,

I would like to invite you personally to become a part of our team.
In the time of crisis more companies are downsizing, moving overseas and outsourcing many of their positions.
Because of this, a brand new opportunity has come about.
We are looking for people to work as professional distance-based typists.
If you're eager to use your skills to make some additional cash, then you might want to consider a home typing position.
No experience is needed.

Our requirements for distance-based typists are:

-Computer with Internet access.
-Good Typing Skills.
-Basic Internet knowledge.
-Basic Computer and Typing Skills.

You will not have to devote full time hours. These assignments can be done on your time.
They may be done in Internet cafes or where ever you can get Internet access.

All data entry operators work from home and are independent contractors.
You typically set your own hours and work from home on projects that are enjoyable!
Average monthly earnings start from $1000 to $3000 or more.

If you are interested just reply to my email!



Best Regards,
Amanda Preston
Regional Recruitment Manager





-----------------------------
According to Electronic Commerce Law I would like to inform you that this email message might not be requested by you.
If you prefer not to receive any e-mail from me in the future, please reply with "UNSUBSCRIBE" in the subject line.
.

life

source here

oh, canada

[photo source and narrative]

here

and then and then

difficult day on the life not work front

that shallowness of breathing
that ohmyfuckinggod how do we move forward

the forcing oneself to focus on tasks at hand

day by day by day

the work itself?

moments. there are moments.

working toward more and better in the less is more and better is better sense of the exercise.

(also: related. obliquely) was able to direct the pizza delivery person to the people waiting for pizza.

small steps and large.

balance

holding busy
holding open

holding terror at things unrelated

holding on

holding open

trying to be present

tired in my bones.

work, not work

holding on

consider this

October 4, 2010

Today's poem is copyright © 2010 by Zachary Schomburg. Used with permission of the author.

and, because, from Pen, this image:







Testy Pony
by Zachary Schomburg

I am given a pony for my birthday, but it is the wrong kind of pony. It is the kind of pony that won’t listen. It is testy. When I ask it to go left, it goes right. When I ask it to run, it sleeps on its side in the tall grass. So when I ask it to jump us over the river into the field I have never before been, I have every reason to believe it will fail, that we will be swept down the river to our deaths. It is a fate for which I am prepared. The blame of our death will rest with the testy pony, and with that, I will be remembered with reverence, and the pony will be remembered with great anger. But with me on its back, the testy pony rears and approaches the river with unfettered bravery. Its leap is glorious. It clears the river with ease, not even getting its pony hooves wet. And then there we are on the other side of the river, the sun going down, the pony circling, looking for something to eat in the dirt. Real trust is to do so in the face of clear doubt, and to trust is to love. This is my failure, and for that I cannot be forgiven.






More from this author

and then, too

Hi Janet,

Thank you for joining us today all the way over on [our] Street. Its great to be able to have you have some time with the volunteers, who don't get as much of a chance to get to know you as we do. (woah did that sentence make sense?) Thanks so much for taking time out of your sunday to come join us. Afterwards a few people stuck around to help clean up a little and they told us that they appreciated what you said.
thanks, and we hope you had a nice mom visit afterwards!
love
[he] and [she]

___________________________________________

yes, please and thank you very much.
it was a very good meeting. they are lovely young people. they cooked for one another, they spoke caringly yet not cloyingly to one another. they listened. they were engaged. a small good thing. a spark, an ember to support. to let breathe.

and then

on other days with other ones
doing work.

being in the work to be done.
doing it.

[a] far better place.

respect

Is there a way to show particular young people, who know everything because they are young and smart, that they are also huge assholes in their utter inability to entertain even the most remote notion about the ways in which they interact with other people?

They are certifiable little shits. Is what they are.

One is unable to even begin to start. One is angry. One is trying to find a way to help a particular young person understand the impact of her actions. One is trying to understand how to remove herself from this equation. She is, at present, unable to do so. She will, therefore, wait.

no good deed

so this

in hindsight, of course, realize that just because someone knows how to do something, or knows about something, doesn't necessarily mean that that person can teach others about it. or about how to do it.

as grief has seven stages or something of something (denial, anger, bargaining, sleepy, dopey, happy, cranky, acceptance), so, too, do I do the dance:

- it wasn't my assignment, it was ok to take the night off, I was trying to help , I offered a solution
- I should have stayed and done the thing there and not gone and done the thing I wanted to do, which wasn't at work. which wasn't work
- it's done
- shit
- my stomach hurts
- whatever

another piece of the larger picture of too much to do and too few people to do it. going through motions.
needing to step back. contemplate what does actually matter. head down, balls to the wall.

What does matter, actually? How do I focus on that/on those things, and do them and make every best effort to do them well?

and that other job

the department wants you to know that we're devoting time and energy

the department is excited to let you know

so I just wanted to let you know

the department will have more staff to let you know

just wanted to

just wanted to

just wanted to

have a nice day and end of training

living beside

letting go of being angry about being angry

accepting anger as an element. air, earth, fire, water. or is it iron, coal, dust. rock, paper, scissor?
whatever it is, it's there: absurd whatever, assholery, helpfulness, foolishness, sleepy, dopey, grumpy, doc, heckle, jeckyll and hyde and the other/s.

It is. letting go of being angry about [being] angry, arguably, makes room and energy for something else. maybe better.

living beside

the good doctor suggests that it is possible to hold anger as its own entity

"hmmm," I think. "hmmm."

why?

about being laid off

from ilovecharts
(please click through if you'd like to make sense of it. or some of it. caption/report/source)

not so sure

that I agree with this whole Monday is hell thing (although I do very much like the graphic that's posted just below this entry).

Sundays can be difficult when it feels that time's just gone missing that all this maybe doing of other things has left work squished up against unmet deadlines. But Monday itself isn't entirely the culprit. Isn't entirely to blame. It's also waking up in the lessening light; it's the bullshit of people not listening or caring or trying or trying to see any other point of view.

It's impatience. It's meanness. Those things are tiring. Those things make me ask why and whythefuck.

just found this

welcome to the working week

at work, at rest

day of atonement
reflection

fatigue
anger, outrage

inexorable

forward

Apply for Job Offer

This, in my work mail inbox this morning:













Grand Hotel & Suites


show details 9:50 PM (12 hours ago)


Hello My Good Friend!!!!!

I am Shadia Hamed from Grand hotel suites in Canada , Grand hotel are recruiting new workers, looking for talented people who want to join the best hotel in the world and as a successfully applicants are eligibility for the following:
- Relocation allowances
- 401(k) retirement plan
- Tuition reimbursement
- Child day care assistance
- Short-term and long-term disability
- Paid time off
_ Free Accommodations
_ Free Air ticket direct to Canada

Grand hotel management offer these benefits to any applicants who successfully obtain an approval for an undergoing visa processes, each of an applicant will also be eligible for an accommodation, free airline ticket & work authorization permit document which is obtainable through the HRSDC Labor Office Canada.
Grand hotel will also submit an applicant file record to the HRSDC Labor office for the proper employment registration and any candidates registered in Canadian Labor Market will begin to receive the remission of his/her Labor-market blustery fees, to the nominated insurance account where Grand hotel Management will be paying your premium and the account information we be sent with your traveling documents to the embassy as soon as the visa processes is approved by the visa authority Canada.
We do channel our offer and our best services in guiding our applicants for their visa processes and for more information concerning the job vacancy, submit your application and request via;
web: www.grandhsuitescemployment.iwarp.com
mail: recruitinformtion@grandhsuitescemployment.iwarp.com
mail: employmentgrandhotel@yahoo.ca
mail: joboffergrandhotelanduites@yahoo.ca
All applicants are responsible for there Visa process .

Regards
Ms.Shadia.

Lucy Kate at work

This, the workspace of Lucy Kate Hopkins whom Jason Sween has nominated as
the kick assiest baby in Indiana, and possibly the planet. Get to know her and her people. They are funny, goofy, loving, fabulous.
really. And smart. and kind but not in a horrible cloying way. just they are. do this. trust me.

click through. you will be gladdened.






with permission from Lucy Kate's people, these photos and a link to her excellent series of other photos and writing.

stop

in this very building, this house, this office, on this day in 2001.

at work. when work, when the world, felt a very very different place.
when we tried to comfort students, when we tried to imagine a "post tuesday" world.

same same sky.

pausing.
and working

and meeting other students shortly.
their all day first new semester training.
working. learning, god, i hope, learning.

one woman's work space

How I work, at work, but also at home (sometimes (not really))

please click on through.



lovely

and the beat goes on

Dear All,

Most of you know that [Colleague 1] has accepted a new position [within the organization]. [Colleague 1] has been a key part of our own [work] efforts, and we will miss him terribly. But first, we will have a little party from him, at which we will also congratulate [Colleague 2] on her new position [also within the organization]. We will miss her presence [in her to-be former office], where she has been unfailingly cheerful, helpful, and beautifully dressed.

Please join us [soon], in the [place] to congratulate [them] on their new positions--both of which constitute promotions. We'll have the standard yummy pastries from [the yummy pastry place], and we'll all have an opportunity to thank both [of them] for their excellent work with us.

Best.

on labor day

from poem-a-day

Vocation
by Sandra Beasley

For six months I dealt Baccarat in a casino.
For six months I played Brahms in a mall.
For six months I arranged museum dioramas;
my hands were too small for the Paleolithic
and when they reassigned me to lichens, I quit.
I type ninety-one words per minute, all of them
Help. Yes, I speak Dewey Decimal.
I speak Russian, Latin, a smattering of Tlingit.
I can balance seven dinner plates on my arm.
All I want to do is sit on a veranda while
a hard rain falls around me. I'll file your 1099s.
I'll make love to strangers of your choice.
I'll do whatever you want, as long as I can do it
on that veranda. If it calls you, it's your calling,
right? Once I asked a broker what he loved
about his job, and he said Making a killing.
Once I asked a serial killer what made him
get up in the morning, and he said The people.

100

a boss yesterday told me about someone who'd been his boss (I think, or maybe not a boss) but who said [more or less] the following:

For every 100 decisions you make, you gain 99 enemies and 1 ingrate.

Think this had to do with funding allocations/foundation work. Chilling in some ways, insulating in others. Perhaps the psychic thermos lining for those whose job it is to decide such things.
and yet.

?

this afternoon

people learning new things about the city they now, provisionally, maybe, call home

three students spend part of their afternoon preparing to prepare to learn to teach. to teach.
it begins, it continues.

and at my own desk?

a colleague in another office with whom I'm trying to coordinate a difficult thing is kind and funny and gracious.

for that I am very very grateful

from one friend's workplace

[she writes]:

White Wine:

Making ‘drinking at your desk’ less pathetic since right fucking now.

going in

someone on facebook posted: BEACH

I refrain from posting : WORK

going to an event that brings together young people, their parents and caregivers and tuition generators with departments, representatives, pens, pencils, flyers, information, stress balls and hard candy.

trying to see this as through the eyes of someone for whom this moment is the culmination of many hopes and much hard work.

beginning again

young people are starting to do the work that they do with us.

also

sometimes

not easy

motivation

interesting



http://twitter.com/eddieizzard/status/22005301431

[direct link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6XAPnuFjJc&feature=player_embedded]

rock, hard place

< - you are here



http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/post/998772582/not-sure-you-follow-this-great-comic-strip-is-it

rain

good

trying to go all zen on my own ass

trying, really to find balance. maintain balance.

wash the balance, dry the balance, turn the balance over.

letting go

also

please don't hand me my ass

week
after
week

what if

someone simply said thank you

and meant it.

really

gets real

a lot to do
a lot

finite number of hands
finite number of minutes in the day

finite number of resources

day by

small steps. triggered. two (or more) choices. fight, flight.
or deeply breathing.

resistance is futile; joining the collective is also difficult in ways I could never have foreseen four months ago (already).

opportunities

challenges

hmm

Klee-POW on going along to get along

A cautionary tale:

http://cleapow.tumblr.com/post/938268740/dear-coworker

do this,

I was asked.

and I did.

and the world didn't stop. or go.

I just did the thing.

one foot, the other foot.

out of the sand.

how it goes down

one woman's workplace

doing

working with students. going to meetings. starting to do the things we actually do here.
a start.
some/thing [s] positive

hard for the money

a friday: pay day; but not for everyone

the following thursday: we have your check.

the next morning: "it's your lucky day!" (presents envelope)

[note: new salary year; 3% merit increase granted, effective this pay period]

the lucky-day, week-late check? $220 short of pre-increase net.

# wtf

maw

a friend used this word to describe a workplace.

I wonder.

maw than a little.

ad maw nish

hmm

reg sal

rate .000
hours .000
this period .00
year-to-date [an amount]

so, that haiku thing

am I here or am I not?

hmm

in the next two weeks

will you be around?

. . .

will I?

one day

one might look back upon it with intense embarrassment.
with profound embarrassment.
upon thinking about it one day.
one might.

this

is unbearably difficult

ideas meetings

[via http://sniffyjenkins.tumblr.com/post/801266776/nevver-modern-toss;

via http://sniffyjenkins.tumblr.com/post/801266776/nevver-modern-toss]

your courage

via Penbleth, via http://wartimeposters.co.uk/posters/original-posters/your-courage-will-bring-us-victory.html

how to be happy at work

career horizon newsletter

[their image]

30 June, 2010: first day, last day, new day?

this would have been my last day in my current position, which was eliminated at the end of March.

A new position was later created. That begins tomorrow.

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss .

planning

actually working on planning a class.

something with an arc, a beginning, a middle and an end.

work less

look at this



[click to embiggen]

(http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=13169795&id=852775172)

Fabulous, seriously gifted designer. Check her out

stress again?

the good doctor, quoted, once again, on workplace stress

poor choices

so, that happened.
and we said thank you. if awkwardly, if with difficulty.

recovering.

yet more writing. need to wake up, respond in some other way.

get the fucking work done. moving. doing. being.

balance.

what we do

heard feedback about my workplace from two people yesterday.

1) it used to do interesting things

2) why would they do that, if this?

this is, of course, necessarily vague, but reminds me for the jillionth time of the need for clear communication and balance between doing the thing and talking about the thing being done. it's tipped a bit too far toward the latter; how to re.engage with the former?

gag order

someone else's workplace bullying, via fek.

day by day by day

stumbling out of the dryer: instructive

hearing "can I say how I glad I am you're staying" : helpful.

baby steps.

cunundrum

Thank you very much for another series of great events this weekend!

Everyone ... greatly enjoyed the events and ... had such a nice, positive tone. It's obviously been a very hard year, and I truly appreciate everyone's commitment to focusing on [participants] and sending them off well; as well as, of course, everyone's ongoing dedication to our work throughout this difficult time.

Thanks again to particular people for all the critical "behind the scenes" organizational efforts.

Hope you all enjoyed the rest of the holiday weekend.

[sent on sunday morning]

here's the problem. undoubtedly the event was about the people being celebrated, about their next steps. It wasn't the moment to focus on *issues*. and yet. introducing soon-to-be-gone people, not even acknowledging, in passing, something vague about challenges, offering tepid thanks to a staff that has been damaged, some very badly, is, somehow wrong.
an alternative? another suggestion? not entirely sure.
possibly: we're grateful you're here to celebrate; we celebrate you; we acknowledge a difficult year behind us and challenges of various stripes for all of us moving forward. whatever [forward][that] is.

oh

The last eighteen months have been difficult for our community, but we have met this challenge thoughtfully and constructively, and positioned the [entity] to continue to support our core priorities. We anticipate that the [entity] will end this year very close to break even, and we have effectively eliminated the base budget shortfall in future years. The [Powers that Be] discussed, nevertheless, the fact that our resources will remain constrained for some time. They therefore encouraged us to develop future plans that target growth in areas that will generate incremental revenue to fund important priorities.

an excess of exuberance

notes to self:

- do things because you know they're the right things to do
- do things because you truly want to, not because anyone will ever say thank you. (they might. they might not).

try to be kind and then try to be kinder.

listen.

work will brings rewards and work will suck.
ratio/ration/proportions will shift. work isn't a lava lamp nor is it an aquarium (for most of us), but it will be fluid in the ratio of reward to punishment, yin to yang, good to suck that it offers. that one makes of it.

find [the] balance.

remember these things.

blather, rinse, repeat.

tiny time away

in new york. a dear and gifted and fabulous friend is one of 4, 583 (or so? - I can't find the article, but she knows the number like a mantra) applicants for 100 something jobs.

away from my work a tiny bit, leaving shortly. back by 5.

time to think, or to think about thinking and understand why actual time away is something to consider. carefully.

day by

day.

really?

While we remain confident that the budget decisions that were made were the right ones ... and will enable us to support our most critical priorities, we also know that as a small and closely knit community, [all are] affected by the changes we are experiencing. It is especially difficult for those most directly affected by position eliminations. Please know that we will continue to offer to help those affected by these changes.

and then, right

there's the stuff you do and the people you do it with; the people you do it for. the reasons why.

really?

abridged from a related discussion. names removed because:

"When funds aren't there, everyone needs to cut spending to fit available resources. Households have to do it. Companies have to do it. Cities and states have to do it...

For those of you who are concerned, thank you for your suggestions and letters. However, the most valuable letters you can write are the ones that you address to [an entity] and enclose large checks. If you valued the experience and gained through it, YOU dig deep."

me again

How interesting. This response to the people who raised their voices fails utterly to acknowledge that the very work they want to preserve and the very work that they themselves have taken on, does not enable them to dig deep. They earn no real money to speak of. They're speaking out exactly because the work needs doing; giving them the wherewithal to learn how to do it is the point of the entire exercise. Telling them to give money, condescending to them as if they don't understand how the world works is exactly not what's called for.

Mean spirited is the tip of that particular iceberg.

cat,
staggering
stumbling out of the dryer

BRB

never doubt

and

Never underestimate that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world, indeed it's the only thing that ever has.
Margaret Mead

http://forum.quoteland.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/99191541/m/298107931

who knew?

oh my

a whole new day

grateful is the tip of the iceberg

rock still big, hill still steep

onward

but remember

also.

gratitude.

also. tired.

one foot in front of the other

.and.

hurt

out of our hands

pointlessly hurt, sad, angry

more pointlessly, apparently, hurting each other.

it's not ok

time, maybe to be still. to contemplate, reflect.
we go to our rooms to think about what we've done.
maybe
recalibrate.

what is important at the end of the day?
because whatever that answer might be, this doesn't seem to be it.
this can't be what we've worked to make.

sighs
watches
waits
gets off the bus
is tired

brick by brick

while support and articulation of learning is gratifying beyond measure
the worm continues to turn
(what exactly does that mean? note to self: find out).

the pieces put together by many hands, hearts, minds and souls are being taken apart.
brick by brick by brick.

time to start anew, maybe, or to graft or to pull the viable pieces from the ashes?

i'm mangling and mashing metaphors and images. smoke, mirrors, bits and pieces.

the challenge is in saying much while saying little.
I annoy myself.

this feels irritatingly like drive through zen. bad bad bad

but pushing at the core, a kernel of an idea.

BRB

support

this may be as close as I ever get to listening in at my own funeral. were there to be one.
were i to stop everything right this minute.
the kindness, the outrage, the energy, the support. the letters, the words, the what people have said all make me mindful that it might not come amiss for all of us to be saying a little more thank you a little more often. because just. because.

feedback

this, from a student 5 or 6 years out

In short, you taught me that giving a fuck isn't just a phase.

I would love to name him and name it.
but.
For me, I'm merely grateful that all of this might have meant something to anyone. These young people have been kicking ass in the world.

for that, how can one not be gladdened?

support has been offered by many.

Many people have offered support, kindness, concern.

I am deeply grateful to them for that. Their words, actions, gestures mean much.
mean the world.

decisions

are being made

People are corralling decisions. possibilities.

This is not an unpainful process.
This is not without pain and anger.

One breathes.

Listen to the universe.

what. wait a minute, now. what the fuck does that mean?

gently. thoughtfully.

professional help

an evening conversation with the good doctor.

unplugging. moving forward.

saying less and less here. thinking about where, what, next.

students, community, people. support. holding me in their arms.
I am grateful.

also
sad and angry

but grateful.

tuesday

difficult

balance?

one day, one day.

sleeplessly

trying.

family.

trying, balance. walking. what?

what?

sad, sad, sad.

tired

with family, away from work, talking about work.
tomorrow, going back to work.

messages from people in the community. kindnesses bring me to tears.

and

apparently, not entirely calm.

this, via marley:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheDoomGirls

sunday

quiet

sad

calm.

going away for a day. taking a breath

day nine

sad.

sad sad sad sad sad sad sad

day seven

sad
packing, sorting, trying to work
meanwhile, a flood of epic prportions
pack up, gym. tea
it's probably a very good thing there aren't small bottles of prosecco easily on hand.

trying to pace myself.

Three months. To. Go.

the work you do

the work you do, if it has any meaning, passes to other hands

a beginning

from http://www.yowhatsthehaps.com/2010/03/story.html yo! what's the haps?
(except that I don't hate my job. but the heart hopes what it hopes. or hope comes as it does. or . not sure. BRB)

day four

sort of chemically instable. unstable, volatile but not in a threatening to self or others way. one of those elements that can spontaneously combust into blathers of tears, snot, loud keening (or something less ear drum piercing than keening, but something that definitely certainly entirely means business).

Maybe a little bit, too, like the lovely five year old upstairs, whose cry and crying can go on minutes and minutes past the actual cause of tears. A crying that says, HEY LOOK AT ME, HEY, HEY. HEY! HEYYY! and then it exhausts itself, she exhausts herself, I exhaust myself.

grateful for the comments here, elsewhere, for support all around. a small but surely big enough circle of beings to remind me that yes, this is horrible. Yes, I hate what's happening. No, I am not disparaging any entity or its agents, I am merely and entirely sad and possibly angry, but not in a harm to self or others inducing way.

Onward. Three months. To. Go.

grieving

at sixes and sevens. popcorn for dinner because I can't commit to soup in a can or soup from the box.
I acknowledge: there's severance, there's a safety net for us, financially, and for that I'm grateful. Very, very grateful and mindful of how many people don't have that. Many many people have had far more traumatic experiences with the sudden removal of their jobs.

I've long acknowledged, too, the out-of-whack imbalance - work and life. And have realized that it's possible that a little too much of my own identity has been melded into/by the work I do.

It's now been two work days. Like the flip book version of the seven (how many?) stages of grief, I dally in denial and bartering, but have circled sadness and anger for much of the day. And touch on unmitigated weeping, mild pukiness and occasional self pity and self righteousness.

I'm angry at having to not tell students who ask about the fall that I won't be able to help them, and because I hate speaking in the passive voice (workshops will be scheduled; steps will be taken).

This is so not funny. I'm taking my longer rant to the blog that no one reads.

Pacing myself. Three months to go, To. Go.

it's official

I'm canned.

see me

meeting tomorrow. 9:30 - 10:00.
The man's office.

shit gets very very real.

working well with others

from fuiru, Resident Guest Workplace Analyst of pleasedontfireourass:

Just a tip...
Mentioning in an email that you are far too busy to correctly fill in your expense claim form and backing this up with a line telling me how much you get paid may make you feel like a big man, but it will not mean that your incorrectly-filled-in expense claim will be processed faster. In fact, quite the opposite. Also, such douchbaggery will be remembered and no benefit of the doubt will be conferred on future claims; in fact they will probably all be returned to you for the most minor of infractions.

Furthermore, the email will be passed around the finance department and everyone else responsible for making sure you receive money will see what a fucktard you are.

You have the things that make you feel like a big man, and I have mine.

in the event that you'd thought that anything might possibly change

To: employees
From: senior management
Subject: plans
Date: today

As you recently heard. The Decision Makers and Controllers of Things approved recommendations based on the work of Committees. The Decision Makers and Controllers of Things expressed deep appreciation for the high level of thoughtfulness and commitment participants brought to their work, particularly in these difficult economic times. The purpose of this memo is to share with you implementation efforts that are underway.

Since the Decision Makers and Controllers of Things approved the budget, staff have been working closely with a number of leaders, senior officers and department managers to determine how best to implement the recommendations. As we have stressed throughout this process, in addition to improving efficiencies while protecting programs, plans are focused on limiting the number of layoffs that will become effective on a day and providing support for those whose jobs are being eliminated. Specifics include:

· Continued active employment, with all benefits intact, through a date.
· Severance packages, effective that next day, which will provide four weeks of compensation for every year worked, up to 40 weeks;
· Additional compensation to individuals with more than ten years of service;
· Continued contributory coverage of health benefits through the severance period. Once exhausted, continued health care via COBRA;
· Special in-house workshops on job seeking, resume preparation, and interviewing;*
· In-house training programs for basic skills as well as other specialized training programs and workshops focusing on dealing with transitions;
· Counseling and financial planning services through our Assistance Program;
· Outplacement support services ;
· Placement wherever possible in alternative positions [here].


We will soon be posting many new jobs as a consequence of vacancies held over the past year that will now be filled, jobs that will become vacant as a consequence of some of the voluntary retirement program departures, and new positions being created due to organizational changes mandated by the process. We are streamlining the vacancy review process to ensure that jobs are posted as soon as possible; Human Resources will work with applicants and managers to expedite the process and to ensure that appropriate attention is paid to the possibility of internal hires wherever possible.

Over the course of the next few weeks**, we will inform those individuals whose jobs are being eliminated. We will also provide detailed information about severance, possible alternative positions, and transitional services. Our goal is to complete this process as soon as possible but with as much care as needed. In a few departments this implementation process may take somewhat longer. We anticipate that approximately 60 filled positions will be eliminated.

The economic challenges that we are facing are real and require difficult decisions. We hope you will work with us to ensure that those affected by these changes will successfully make the transition to alternative employment.

kegger

don't even ask

dissipated

people all over the place
or not there

sun. day two.

inexorable

pizza party

is Friday.

how wrong to be so ungrateful.
so scared
and potentially bitter.

first day of sun after five rainy awful days.

we're dissipated. Scattered.

surreal.
paralyzed.

let's please get on with it.

a little needy

engaging conversation at work with participants.
person who decides also present.
look forward to the day when/if one can smply be in a conversation without also wondering, hmm; was this smart enough? Did I listen enough, speak too much, make any sense?
And without wondering 20 jillion times a minute: is it I?

please please please don't fire our ass.

it's everywhere

fuiru:

My boss just once again checked to make sure that I have step-by-step instructions compiled for all of the tasks that I do.

…aaaaand now I’m terrified.

really? you have absolutely no idea?

Congratulations!

Please see note below, from HR – and thanks very much for everyone’s contribution this year!

We’ll find a good time for the staff pizza party (thanks HR).

**********************************************************************************

Dear Staff Members:

I am happy to announce that the Your Center has won a department challenge prize as part of the [organization] charities campaign! That means that 20% of the staff in your department made a donation to our charity partners. Thank you so much for supporting those who need it most.

Within the next few weeks, your department will receive a pizza party to thank you for your efforts – stay tuned for more details. In the meantime, I hope we can count on your support again next year!

Giving Coordinator

Human Resources Department

uncertainty

http://mischiefmanaged-.tumblr.com/post/423400176

it begins

the person between the person who posted yesterday's news and me/my colleagues sent a message to my colleagues, to us, this morning.

I don't cite it here, lest there ever be a perception of my taking the piss* which I am decidedly not. doing.

The person between the person acknowledged the difficulty of the situation and our good humor. No, one, though, is amused (any more). (or ever, really). Nor was he implying that we would be. He will be scheduling conversations. discussions. ça y est.

as other bloggers and young people have said:

shit got real, yo.

news

[one is] especially grateful for the teams’ commitment to retain jobs; nothing could be more important in the current economic environment. We have made every effort to reduce our staffing by eliminating currently vacant positions or positions that will become vacant because of an upcoming voluntary retirement. Regrettably, we will not be able to achieve the necessary deficit reduction without the elimination of some staff positions through layoffs. Decisions about exactly which positions will be phased out will be made by senior officers in the coming weeks now that the final budget parameters have been established by the [people who decide].

who. decides

much much power.
process?
I don't know.

students good

administration, not so much

my core job - meeting this evening with students and two of our community partners. students ask smart questions. not smarty pants smart, but bright. interesting.
our partners, friend colleagues answer and are engaged. they listen. they respond.
laughter. thoughtfulness.

after hours of ass time at a different meeting earlier in the day, this was nice. a reward, but not a reward. a gift, maybe. a respite from the other horseshit.

weepy day

again

this time:
walk in. two men, sitting. I make coffee. one man tells another about his planned holiday. to do something costly. with his family.
I make coffee.

staff meeting. planning.

let's book a trip on a big big ship. it will sink, but before it does it will be very elaborate.
i grow wearier, wearier

today

and yes, per the good doctor and my own understanding, it's probably a good thing that one feels worse upon leaving than one did upon entering the psychiatric shell. the room with the door that closes. the therapeutic setting.

luckily, spring-like conditions prevailed this morning, so no chapping of face as one multitasked walking and crying, seeking coffee, and not much long after arriving at work.

much quiet tearfulness, followed by some shortness of temper in a professional setting, followed by home.

please please universe, don't fire our ass.

tomorrow

time with the good doctor; days of meetings and meetings that seem to gain momentum as the week unfolds.

another week or two or three before decisions are filtered down to the rest of us.

one grows weary, weary, weary.

speaking of anxiety

wow.

a record.

http://urdb.org/Content/RecordDetail.aspx?id=540&attempt=692

Employee stress takes toll on company's bottom line

http://www.eagletribune.com/pubiz/local_story_279005555.html
including this, and other comments from the good doctor:

Workers under stress are less efficient and less healthy than more contented employees, and that's bad for the bottom line..

hmm

(and here, a truncated version: http://www.pe.com/business/local/stories/PE_Biz_D_office_stress29.677fe0.html)

the article appears in a number of publications.
stress is stress, the good doctor says.

(reminding some people of the Simpsons episode when Maggie and her peers are trying to make a break out of the Ayn Rand School for Tots where A is A and Helping is Futile).



http://hostengs.home.mchsi.com/tots/futile.jpg

and this :

Marge: Maggie is allergic to strained pears, and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time.
Ms. Sinclair: A bottle? Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby is saying when she reaches for a bottle?
Marge: Ba Ba?
Ms.Sinclair: She is saying, "I am a leach!" Our aim here is to develop the bottle within.

http://distributedrepublic.net/archives/2004/06/20/the-ayn-rand-school-for-tots

weepy day

maybe the gym.

- she sighs -

oh dear

[... accused of killing three colleagues ...]

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/14/us/14alabama.html?hp

oh, hmm

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=washingtonstory&sid=aG760eJeWqOQ

what if

brief part of the conversation with the good doctor:

what if I just carried on as if there were nothing to fear, as if it would all be all right?

hmm

what if?

yet more fun at work with Ex-Tabula Rasa

here, in its entirety, lest you even consider not clicking on the link:

Three hours of my life I'll never get back

When I came in this morning my boss was like, “I have a three hour teleconference call in an hour, but I’m too busy to take it. You have to do it in my office. I’ll use your desk. Try not to look stupid.”
So from 10:00 to 1:00 I sat back with my feet on his desk and listened while clueless people discussed rubbish nonsense and whothefuckcares while sitting in my boss’s chair and searching Google with phrases involving terrorist attacks, how to make dirty bombs and the best way to kill the pope. Whenever they asked me a question I’d unmute the phone and go “My boss says I can’t answer that for security reasons” and mute it and get back to hiding his shoes behind the radiator.

career advice and office shenanigans

http://fuiru.tumblr.com/post/359959564/two-truths-and-a-lie


and

http://fuiru.tumblr.com/post/368960951/more-office-fun

(with permission from Ex-Tabula Rasa

life and high school

please read this
i wish i'd written it

http://inthefade.tumblr.com/post/366789119/life-and-high-school

life, love, work
the good, the bad, the car keys.

from up the food chain

from way up:

> The revenue shortfall ... is projected to be substantial.

> Regrettably, we will not be able to achieve target reductions without the elimination of positions. Throughout this process, every effort has been made to reduce the number of layoffs. Decisions about which positions will be phased out and which will be open for application ... will be available after ... we ... know the final budget parameters. For anyone whose position is terminated and who is not placed elsewhere in the [company], we will offer a generous severance.

ouch.

fear and clothing.
what to wear, what to do?

waiting.

it's out of our hands. ish.
at least at the moment.
at least for now.

best places to work

http://www.glassdoor.com/Best-Places-to-Work-LST_KQ0,19.htm?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=best-lj-best&utm_campaign=best-lj

a plan

today the good doctor asked if there was a plan in place for what happens if

sort of

ish

but mostly, i resist.

please please please don't fire us

74,000 people in the state are unemployed. (fact acquired today at work).

(sighs)

even more worried

weepy all afternoon
and then, and now watching the news.

vodka being used to sterilize wounds in haiti

what am i whining about?
i hate this

worried

that's it

worried

worriedthat

a good guest

for the anxiety buffet

http://www.providencepsychology.com/about.html#trunzo

anxiety buffet

HR has flagged my file. apparently the documentation of common law marriage has been misplaced.
My insurance status hasn't changed at my workplace for in 13 years. My benefits officer prefers to be called my benefits rep.

She is kind.
Nonetheless, this trifecta of uncertainty has the effect of dust bunny movement. Start to sweep one and then more appear, tumble, cascade. Each little bunny merging with the next; each little worry gaining its own momentum. the sum of the parts.

gentle hostility

our workplace is offering training on dealing with hostile visitors, i.e. people entering buildings with unclear intentions, or perhaps weapons, aggression or who all knows what.

as people are being voted off the island, it seems likely that this training might be more than rhetorical.

we're not the post office, but still. interesting that we're now being told about it.

and this, too: what bad looks like continues

The Safety Net Living on Nothing but Food Stamps

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01 /03/us/03foodstamps.html?src=twt&twt=nytimes

oh. wait. this is what bad is

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/02/nyregion/02laborers.html?src=twt&twt=nytimes

need for gratitude for what we have and outrage against what many don't.
bravely onward?