also. tired.

one foot in front of the other

.and.

hurt

out of our hands

pointlessly hurt, sad, angry

more pointlessly, apparently, hurting each other.

it's not ok

time, maybe to be still. to contemplate, reflect.
we go to our rooms to think about what we've done.
maybe
recalibrate.

what is important at the end of the day?
because whatever that answer might be, this doesn't seem to be it.
this can't be what we've worked to make.

sighs
watches
waits
gets off the bus
is tired

brick by brick

while support and articulation of learning is gratifying beyond measure
the worm continues to turn
(what exactly does that mean? note to self: find out).

the pieces put together by many hands, hearts, minds and souls are being taken apart.
brick by brick by brick.

time to start anew, maybe, or to graft or to pull the viable pieces from the ashes?

i'm mangling and mashing metaphors and images. smoke, mirrors, bits and pieces.

the challenge is in saying much while saying little.
I annoy myself.

this feels irritatingly like drive through zen. bad bad bad

but pushing at the core, a kernel of an idea.

BRB

support

this may be as close as I ever get to listening in at my own funeral. were there to be one.
were i to stop everything right this minute.
the kindness, the outrage, the energy, the support. the letters, the words, the what people have said all make me mindful that it might not come amiss for all of us to be saying a little more thank you a little more often. because just. because.

feedback

this, from a student 5 or 6 years out

In short, you taught me that giving a fuck isn't just a phase.

I would love to name him and name it.
but.
For me, I'm merely grateful that all of this might have meant something to anyone. These young people have been kicking ass in the world.

for that, how can one not be gladdened?

support has been offered by many.

Many people have offered support, kindness, concern.

I am deeply grateful to them for that. Their words, actions, gestures mean much.
mean the world.

decisions

are being made

People are corralling decisions. possibilities.

This is not an unpainful process.
This is not without pain and anger.

One breathes.

Listen to the universe.

what. wait a minute, now. what the fuck does that mean?

gently. thoughtfully.

professional help

an evening conversation with the good doctor.

unplugging. moving forward.

saying less and less here. thinking about where, what, next.

students, community, people. support. holding me in their arms.
I am grateful.

also
sad and angry

but grateful.

tuesday

difficult

balance?

one day, one day.

sleeplessly

trying.

family.

trying, balance. walking. what?

what?

sad, sad, sad.

tired

with family, away from work, talking about work.
tomorrow, going back to work.

messages from people in the community. kindnesses bring me to tears.

and

apparently, not entirely calm.

this, via marley:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheDoomGirls

sunday

quiet

sad

calm.

going away for a day. taking a breath

day nine

sad.

sad sad sad sad sad sad sad